Gibeau_

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 02:57:40 GMT

its time to make a choice.

to those going through a Quarter life crisis... cheers

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 10:51:15 GMT

Even when you have come to the end
and you want to write whatever comes out.
And let it go.
You are in the box.
You type into a made up box on a screen
I'm typing on little boxes right now...
inside a bigger box
As I look out of my boxed window
On my box bed.
In my box room.
In my box house.
In a neighborhood of boxes.
Who come to and from their boxes,
with moving boxes.
Moving boxes, into box parking spots.
To go to the boxed in park
To the boxed in school
work
show

to meet people with boxed in minds,
and boxed up hearts.

Can't look at me. Judging others inside, the little things you don't say, just mouth shut. Acting like it's not your place. You shut up,because you don't care... Just it keep on in there. Boil it inside of you. Hold everything that makes you happy so close to you that no-one else can see it. I understand why you would want to. The great disappointment of people, and false concepts of what they are supposed to be. No-one can be what you need them to be. No action can be perfectly explained. People are what they are. Every reason has been used and unexcused. All those wastes of time... what makes you any different. Your the only one that allows yourself to be affected by the disappointment you set on other people. What human has that right? I'll never know you, because you'll die inside yourself. Until you realize that the things you hate and the things you love are the same.

Do you feel good shoving your vanity and self worth into faces? Do you even know if you do? Because no madder how damn pretty that smile is, or your acting can get.. can't run away from who you know...do you like to flaunt your insecurities to me, not just me, so you can be told just what you want to hear ..need to hear? Or do you do it for your own pleasure.. makes you feel higher than me. More intelligent than me..I'm done with false mysteries your translucent.

You don't love me, perhaps the idea of me, something secure and compassionate. You just want something to call it. Because everyone in this fucking world seems to have the need to define. Forcing your own conclusions. Making your decisions and actions justified but never mine. Seems to have a really easy time calling out when I fuck something up, or I don't call back, or whatever the is wrong with me. But I don't say shit when I'm used, I don't call you out when your a arrogant narrow minded fuck, when you sit and cry about all the horrible things in your life. Ask me to help you. Ask me to understand. Maybe I didn't pick up because it hurts to talk to you because some things don't go back to the way it was. But when I'm in the dark, Im negative, I don't care, I'm not being a good friend......did you once think maybe it has nothing to fucking do with you. Or it has everything to do with you but there is no use in explaining when you don't want to understand. Things I've seen for so long being ignored... when I decide to close one eye, you finally open one.

You are the most beautiful of all sadness. Seeing people you love, become to morph into something almost frightfully different from the person you met. Change, found comforts that were never there before. The new strength in someone's voice. Quiet but no longer still. Light on the ground, one in a million. Unconscious but not un caring to the world. Like most things I tend to love, find their own way.

one way to say it

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:02:27 GMT

The day has come.
I see myself as everyone.
I am what´s all around me
No, nothing... it just cannot be
Feeling has come from the sun.
Like most everything and everyone.
What seems lost is free from the force that slowly destroys us.
Well, we don´t control the chance that plays with us.
We get existence back by hurting others.
And when we go the other way it´s ourselves we hurt.
But who pushes on through eventually will see,
Every moment´s first
What´s gone will never come back,
But it exists when you think of it.
And what is anything, anyway?
But a series of things running through your brain.

All of the fucked things you do,
Are the product of what's happened to you.
There´s only the forces of hate and love
One break things down and one build them up...

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 05:33:33 GMT

Placebo
Moby
tori
all new albums all on tour
buy those tickets anna, im serious

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 04:34:48 GMT

I wish I could
make the world as pure and strange as what i see

I'd put you in the mirror
I put in front of me

Sat, 30 May 2009 15:19:56 GMT

People, in the end are going to do whatever they want.
it doesn't matter who it is, or who else is involved.
In the end, people want what they want and they will find any excuse to make it justified.
No-one is safe.

I call it good timing

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:27:38 GMT

Do you ever have all these interesting thoughts, so good you wish you could just write it down. It usually comes when I am driving in the car, alone. Then when I come back and try to remember, it's gone. Its just out of my mind. Sometimes I think they are just gifts that are given to us, telling us we have more power than even our minds can understand....it's worth nothing and takes nothing. No evidence, no trace just you and a passing thought. Sometimes I get so upset, try to think back or ideas are flying by me, and I want to stay on one but it's already gone. Like it was never there.

It's like wisdom to me. What the fuck is wisdom? Apparently, wisdom is having gained knowledge, understanding, experience, discretion, and intuitive understanding, along with a capacity to apply these qualities well.If we can't remember all those little things we think of, or come up with where do they all go..do they just leave or do they stay. Maybe all wisdom is relearning and hearing the same thoughts and conclusions so many times we actually start to figure out ourselves and the world we create around us.

In other words, maybe all we have learned we have always known and know already but its a matter of listening and remembering. Is older, wiser? Maybe if the person is wise to begin with. Fuck man, this why I cant stand words and what is this and what is that...in the end its a word, that we as humans created to put a name to an action that no-one really understands.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 05:31:45 GMT

SO my ankle is FUCKED.

NICE
It's all been said

byeeee

Tue, 27 May 2008 22:38:25 GMT

Just smokin
and rollin
and smokin some more

the 15th, yeah, thats the day

Love you all

So yeah

Sat, 24 May 2008 06:50:00 GMT

So yeah yeah, Ive done
Done what I have done.
I rock the band
I BBQ my life
and Smoke week everyday
Folklife is this week = Drughighlife all week
Im going to See Radiohead man. AUG 20. It's about time.

Ill be home pretty soon...
Whats going on, on the EAST June....

HUGE YARD SALE
at my house is coming up
Collabortions in the future? I think so!

I miss everyone. You know.

It's been crazy, mad crazy times on the hill.
But its coming together
MMhmm. THE ONLY LOVE THATS RIGHTOUS ISTHELOVEOFJAH!

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 20:28:11 GMT

Number one lesson learned:

Surround yourself only with those who love life, love themselves, and love you.

Even if that means being alone sometimes becuase its not about who can putt up with shit, it's about the shit never starting to begin with.

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 20:00:39 GMT

LER THE WEATHER BE THUNDERUS TONIGHT

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:16:09 GMT

I dont wanna grow up
put me back inside
let me hide
I dont want to face this cold reality

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:56:33 GMT

I have no idea what Im going to do.

FUCK ENLIGHTNMENT FUCK YOUR FUCKING ENLIGHTNMENT

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 01:51:46 GMT

It's amazing isn't it. This illusion of a world we live in. I have been told many things about how the world works, where it comes from, why we are here. Maybe to ever be happy you have to search within yourself. Maybe not. Today, I have found to comes to terms with an illusion I thought was real. I don't think we can ever understand an illusion, but we can realize what's going on around us a bit more....Maybe I am a very sensitive person, who takes things to heart too much. Maybe there are people can just take things in and breathe them out. But you know what, sometimes life just isn't so easy. ITS JUST NOT.

Im not perfect, but I'm not stupid.
Does it really take someone that you love, to hurt you so badly for you to get the point?
I have hurt more people than I am aware of in my lifetime, this I understand
And everytime I feel a complete sense of sorrow, I think about these times.
I think about the people I have let down, the people I have hurt
I think to myself, this is what I have made others feel.
I have always had good intentions in my actions.
I carry no hate in my heart
I love my friends, I love my family.
Yes, I can be selfish, yes I am forgetful,
But you know what.

Im tired.
Im so fucking tired.
I can see it in my mind almost.
as soon as you have the courage to get yourself back on your feet,
you may be standing but your knees are shaking
and when you stop shaking, and your finally just ok
Your standing, not as a rock but as a feather.
Your light, your so fragile... healing but on your flight
and then it comes...
To gently blow you back down to the ground
Over
and over
and over
and over
time after time

It seems all the people that love you, you don't really give your time to

Does it matter if your loving or not?
Does it even matter?
Sometimes, I get so low it makes me wonder
Is it even worth it
When you get hurt to badly, your like IM DONE
Im done with this Im done with that
and it seems your always back in the same place, the details have changed
But then I see, that I can't be mad
I can't be mad when there are so much good
All I know how to be, is to be myself.
I have no answers, I have no clue.
And you know, there is no answers.
All the pieces to the puz, arent really there.
When you figure it all out, your just going to start all over once more
So im going to try and just
take this breath
and the next
and forgive those who hurt me so much
truely forgive, and never forget
and try and love this life.

Go lightly on the ground.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 20:42:16 GMT

Shock.

Denial.

Anger.

Acceptance.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:13:36 GMT

We are all alone.
Sometimes I'm tossed and driven
and sometimes I don't know where to roam
but I've heard of a city called heaven
and I've started to make it my home

Oh soon I'll reach the glory
where mortals no longer complain
and there's a ship that's coming to take me
and the captain is calling my name

Do you want to be buried with my people, dear
was the look in his eyes
we can rest our bones side by side
in the dirt of yonder high
it's so fun to see me being me alongside you
that's how I knew the answer dear
to the look I got from you

I had nearly given up dear with all my fantasies
then you come and crossed my path, and so here we be
and how the hell did I live this long without you by my side
Can I believe it's you I've sensed and sung to all my life
arms that held me never worked before until I was held you
with a grip so still and charged, oh cou cou cou

Finally it came around inviting us to play
there's nothing as scary as a divine plan,
but I wouldn't have it any other way

The mystery is larger than you and me
and we're drunk on faded heart
but woman, I have a suspicion
you just could be my missing part

but who the hell knows which way
the gods will pull us tomorrow
but honey we're riding up past right now
and fear's only gonna back up in sorrow

Giddy up love whatever is for you
will never pass you by
you live and die you
and I live and die me
each day for the rest of this life

'Cause I am a prince
and I am a prince
I am my own salvation
but you are my queen
and you are my king
so live and die beside each other

Do you want to be buried with my people, dear
was the look in his eyes
we can rest our bones side by side
in the dirt of yonder high
it's so fun to see me being me alongside you
that's how I knew the answer dear
to the look I got from you
we can rest our bones side by side

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 11:35:52 GMT

Through my life, and everything I have done
I have come to this point, sitting in a dark apartment in Seattle, writing this live journal entry
All the "goals" "dreams" "failure"
Words, all these words that describe my life, all these words I was told to use
All these words to describe what my life is, what my emotions are...what I’m thinking
I have found myself, tonight, confronted with the reality of myself.

It's all connected. It's all one.

I have felt like I am doing the best that I can do.
Be you, love everyone, help yourself, and help others...
Go down the unbeaten path, follow your own
Be all you can be, nothing less
Love nature, love your family, and love yourself
Don’t let others fuck with you, stand up for yourself
Be grateful to be alive, respect and honor all that is...

It’s all a contradiction. All of the good comes with bad.
It seems, that no matter how good I try to be to myself and others
Someone is suffering.
Think. Listen. Understand.

When I drive in my car, in someone’s car
Listening to music, smoking,
In that moment, I am happy I feel love, I give love.
I am safe, we are safe, and we are everything we know.
But look beyond
Everything.
The money to pay for the gas
Money that goes into corrupt business
Corrupt business, funds Terries but gives people jobs
Jobs that support a family, or a drug habit.
The money to buy this pack, funding tobacco companies
To make more packs, for more people
A murderer, a child, a mother, a godless man.
To share with others, for themselves, a habit, or the start of a friendship
As I hear music, someone else is praying to know what that even would be like
Someone who has lost could never hear at all. Never will again
Hearing the voices of the world, and seeing
The person, I told I couldn’t hang out
The person I told I couldn’t pick up
The mother, I call, but still worries
As my happiness goes on in the flash of that moment
She is there, feeling lonely and worried
I can't help it; it is just what it is
It is all just what it is.

Everything I do
No matter how good, or bad
Is affecting all that is good, and all that is bad.
We are everything that is.

I can go out of my way, to help one
While, without knowing it, cause pain
Somehow, someway

It seems that no matter how selfless I try to be,
Every drop of change I give to someone and not myself
Every meal I have given up
Every piece of clothing, ride
Step
Emotion
Every drop of everything I have given
With the mindset, of complete unselfishness
Pouring out my truest love to one mans ear

All I wanted, was a few words
A few words to keep me going
To keep me on my own feet
To keep my eyes open for one more day
To keep my mind and my heart steady for a moment
To remind me that I am still here
I just wanted one thing from someone tonight
One thing that doesn’t cost money, time, power, greed...
One thing
And I got a turned back
I looked into eyes, so deeply with all the heart I can give
And I just got a turned back
Something so simple, and so selfless to give
And I got a turned back
As I shut the door

Something in that turn
I don’t know what it did to me
I don’t know if it broke my heart, or made it free
Is understanding more about everything?
A curse or a gift

But I look back
Everything I ever had to give, and wanted
In that moment, on this day
Instead of blowing it off,
Instead of reminding myself
Halting my feelings, telling myself that it is meaningless
I saw it, and felt it
With no interference, with no thought
I let it enter me
For exactly what it was...

I have always been told to love
Love is the only thing that matters
Love for yourself, and love of everyone
What’s the point?
Why
Why should I eat?
To be satisfied and hungry again
Why should I get a job?
Contribute, Be something, Do something,
Why should I go to school?
Contribute MORE, BE MORE, DO MORE
Why pay my bills?
Just be like everyone else, going along, doing what he or she are "supposed" to do
Why should I love?
To feel the movement, of a careless gesture for one person
Rip the heart of another
Why should I be loved?
To feel something so good, so it can just be taken away in some from
All
Over
Again

Why do we confuse ourselves?
It is all so simple
To know
How amazing human kind is
The power of the mind, unexplainable
The beauty of emotion, beyond comprehension
The body, as useless as it is useful
To not give or revive love, but to become it
I am nothing, but I am all there is

When I speak to myself, I am speaking to you,
Because you are me.
And I am you.

Hey there friends

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 01:47:50 GMT

I dont know if anyone will acually take the time
but if you do, take the time to watch the whole thing

It really is a beautful piece of art

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:15:02 GMT

If the world fell down right now

If everything, just didnt matter anymore, and everything you loved was gone
You are alone, and all your dreams would never come true

Could you stand and say you are ready to die

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:02:47 GMT

So it's Christmas Eve...

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 08:02:49 GMT

I don't know the real thing from what I thought I saw
There is always an idea of what we are, and what we want.

After reading the famous Chris journal entry, it let me take the time to reflect on how I saw my own situation

I guess you could call it a situation. The situation of moving forward in time. When I was in seventh grade I had idea of what I wanted. Before that, and after that time I had different perspectives on what I wanted. I used to think going to FCC was the worst thing that could ever happen. If I went there then I was going to be stuck in frederick forever, it wasn;t a real collge, it's for people that don't want "it" enough. I was going to leave this shithole and never look back. Fuck all these kids that surround me that don't give a shit. They only care about what they look like, how they present themselves, they don't want to grow up and have a "real" life. I know what I want, I want to change things and do something ....Leave everything

Room 406, I am sitting on a cold seat at 8:30 in the morning, in a fashion/theatre graphics class. Bits of copperwire in my hand and I am putting the last touches on a staircase we had to make. The radio is on, and the DJ decides to play the new Radiohead Album from beginning to end. I was almost done, about to cry from stress and lack of sleep from all the work, I sit back for a second and I just hear these lines...

You paint yourself white
and feel up with noise
but there'll be something missing
Now that you've found it, it's gone
Now that you feel it, you don't...

I listened to the rest of the song, but I really listened to it. I looked around the room at all these faces of unrest and zombie like state...and I was in myself looking at me. In that moment I was alone with myself in a room that I had placed myself in. Ever since middle school and all through high school I had an idea in my mind of who i was and what I wanted to get away from, and how I was going to do it. I accomplished all of my goals to get to place I was in that room. I relized ,that i was so wrapped up in my own idea of what I thought I should be doing... that I wasn't doing what I wanted at all anymore. And I just stopped, put my project up and left the room with my shit. I didnt go back to class from that point on.

SO here I am,
eighteen years old
drop out of college
family that supports
friends that are beautiful
and no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life
It feels good to know how free you are
Its good to not feel the pressure of a plan or an idea

It's perfection to be able to face yourself
and comprehend
that you don't understand.

And no, some people don't leave frederick or middletown right away or maybe ever .People go to college for different reasons. Some go becuase they want to make change, they think they have no other options, they know what they want , they know nothing at all!...There are people that will go a million miles away and still feel just as lost as they were before. It's not the location itself, just the happiness you let yourself enjoy around you. And if you fuck up, and your confused it's alright to be upset and freak the fuck out becuase it's reality and it can be an crazy thing.

I have accomplaished the goals that I set long ago.
Goals like words and ideas move on.
We all move forward.
People may not move forward the same way that you do,
but that doesn't mean they are stuck far behind.

We are all told our entire lives to have a mission, goals, dreams...
When you get to high schooll, they make you think of a idea of what you want
What collge do you want? What do you want to do? Where are you going to go?
What are you going to do?
Fuck, is anyone as fed up as I am with someone asking them what the fuck they are going to do?

I am going back to Seattle in a couple weeks
And you know what
I dont know....
It is feels fucking great.

I want them to say

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 21:50:07 GMT

That I lived more bravely
And loved more deeply

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:17:46 GMT

HEY

guess who is here

shiiiiiiiit

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 04:53:55 GMT

I need the strength

to go to class

shit